We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Even my vagina gasped.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
