I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
i can't believe i had my finger in that
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
