Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Randomize
