I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
