So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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