She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
