What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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