Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
