Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
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If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
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And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
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