you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
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