I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Randomize
