My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
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