Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
