all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
