Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
