Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
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