my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
