Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
