I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
