I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
