I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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