The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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