hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
