And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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