Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
