You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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