HIV tests are more positive than that guy
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
