I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I pour the whiskey from now on
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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