I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
