he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
She swung at the pinata with crutches
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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