Betty ford says i'm here all night
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Randomize
