i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
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