farters have to be the big spoon...
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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