dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
