Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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