Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
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