somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
