Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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