Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
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As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
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Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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