my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
