Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
