We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
