I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
