It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
