i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
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