Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
i need an iv and a liver transplant
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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