Someone shit on the floor
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
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