i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
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