I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
