thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Randomize
