ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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