omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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