i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Gay?
German.
Pity.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
