When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
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And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
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Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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