I saw his package. It spoke to me.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
