I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
27 Signs That Someone Will Probably Be Bad At Sex
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
23 Proposal Horror Stories You Won’t Believe
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos