You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?