doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.